


From All Sides

by moomkin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Thrawn - Timothy Zahn
Genre: Ascencion Week, Empire Day, Gen, Panic Attack, Social Anxiety, parties are no fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-31 00:25:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12120564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moomkin/pseuds/moomkin
Summary: Eli Vanto struggles to overcome his social anxiety as it reassures itself in the worst place possible - the Ascension Week festivities, where Colonel Yularen hopes for Thrawn to make a good impression with everyone.





	From All Sides

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mishael](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mishael/gifts).



Eli Vanto could have spent the rest of his life having never gone back to Coruscant and been completely happy. He could have also been perfectly happy to never attend an Ascension Week celebration any more crowded than his family’s front porch. 

But wishing wasn’t going to change the fact that Eli currently found himself in the very center of the galaxy during the Empire’ biggest holiday. 

It was as though someone sifted through his brain and created a cocktail of everything Eli hated. Crowds. Loud noises. Dealing with Core World snobs and their xenophobic attitudes. Meeting new people over and over again and being forced to engage in small talk. 

Eli thought he’d gotten over his social anxiety. Something about the Navy had helped to quiet it down, but at the moment, he wondered if he had ever even experienced anxiety before. 

He had never reacted so badly. His heart rate was at a constant high. His chest felt tight, his breathing short and shallow. He kept his hands in fists to try to hide the trembling of his fingers. And more than anything else – an urge to escape, slowly gathering strength, matched only by the oppressive shadow of being trapped. 

Unfortunately, Eli’s original hope of merely staying quiet wasn’t doing much to ease his anxiety, though he hadn’t exactly come up with the best plan. He pretty much surgically attached himself to Thrawn’s elbow and tried his best imitation of a protocol droid –stand there and do nothing until someone prompted. 

It didn’t make the hordes of people go away. It didn’t stop anyone from staring. It certainly didn’t stop passers-by from asking loudly, “What is _that_ ” when their eyes fell on Thrawn, or their sneers when Eli managed to say anything at all. 

Even standing still, people brushed passed him when they went by. They were pressing in from every direction. They were loud, and moving far too much – and as the night wore on, getting drunker and drunker, which made them clumsier and louder. 

Eli tightened his jaw and did his best to endure it. 

But he really hoped Colonel Yularen wasn’t planning to do this for the entire week. 

Thrawn, for all the negative attention he seemed to be getting, faired surprisingly well. Every downgrading comment he replied to with ease. As if nothing could shake him. Eli was both impressed and jealous. As it was, they’d hardly been at the party for all of two hours, and Eli already felt like he wouldn’t be able to last another ten minutes. 

Making it worse was the fact that he was in uniform. _Always maintain a professional appearance_ \- even if Eli wanted to run away screaming, he couldn’t. He was Senior Lieutenant Thrawn’s aide and translator and he’d have to stay put. And control his reactions. He kept balling up his toes, hoping it would do something to keep his hands from getting fidgety, but all it really seemed to do was make his feet hurt. 

Colonel Yularen seemed to be fixated on the idea that Thrawn needed to be introduced to every single person on Coruscant. Which meant Eli had to interact with them, too. And as the night dragged on, and the party-goers got more drunk, staying civil got harder and harder. 

“How do you do it?” a woman asked Eli after Colonel Yularen brought them to yet another group. 

It took a moment for Eli to recognize that the woman was addressing him. “Do what, ma’am?” he asked, straining to keep his words clipped so that his twang didn’t show through too much. 

“Work under an alien?” the woman said loudly, not at all concerned if her words hurt Thrawn, or perhaps intentionally loud so as _to_ hurt him. Eli noticed the glean of drunkenness in her eyes. If her question was bad, her next move was worse – she reached out and grabbed onto his arm, with the kind of iron grip Eli couldn’t escape without noticeable effort. Noticeable – and unprofessional – effort. 

“It’s…” Eli struggled to think of an appropriate response, his teeth clenched to fight back against his spiking heart rate. He didn’t particularly like being touched, but this was something else – it heightened his feeling of being trapped. The crowds of people pressing in around him only seemed to get worse. 

“… not bad,” Eli finished lamely, wishing someone would notice the predicament he was in and come to his rescue. He tried to draw his arm back to his side, and the woman only clenched on it harder. 

“Just a moment,” the woman said, laughing for no apparent reason. “Say something else.” 

Eli’s eyes flited around the group, silently begging for help. 

“Something else,” Eli mumbled when his plea went unanswered. 

“Oh, this one has a bit of humor,” the woman laughed, talking to literally no one as Thrawn and Yularen looked preoccupied in another conversation. “I meant, say something else about working with an alien.” 

“I… enjoy it,” Eli said. “Lieutenant Thrawn’s really a good officer. One of the best.” 

The woman laughed again. “Oh, I understand now. I was just thinking to myself, ‘why would any human degrade himself like this boy is by serving as an alien’s servant’ but that accent – this must be the best opportunity you were ever going to be offered. What is that, _Wild Space?_ ” She said it like it was mandatory to look down on his corner of the galaxy. 

“Didn’t even know you could get off the ground in _Wild Space,_ ” the woman went on, then turned to Yularen. “I hope you don’t mind me borrowing your ensign, Colonel.” 

But Yularen and Thrawn were at the moment still completely distracted and Eli felt a tug at his arm, pulling him away from the group. Instead of planting his feet on the ground and refusing to move, Eli let himself get pulled away. 

He couldn’t even rationalize why, even though he mentally kicked himself as the woman pulled him through the crowd. He knew resisting, or even forcibly pulling the woman’s grip off of him, would only cause her to complain. And she was drunk, so she would complain loudly. And loudly would mean attention. 

As it was, no one so much as glanced in their direction, but Eli couldn’t even imagine how unbearable it would be if suddenly half the room was looking at him. And he knew that’s exactly what would happen if he stopped. If he tried to get away from her. She would make a scene. And the embarrassment from that would be worse than anything she had planned. 

Or at least Eli hoped. 

“Dear,” the woman stopped finally, poking at some man’s back and laughing again. “You won’t believe what I found.” 

Eli gave his arm a tug - one final last-ditch, half-hearted attempt to break away. Her drunk-strength overpowered his anxiety-strength easily. 

“What is it?” the man said, turning around. Eli wilted a little under the man’s gaze. Stern, no-nonsense. And he was wearing the uniform of an Army general. “Oh, congratulations, dear. You managed to find the least interesting person at this entire party. Go put it back where you found it.” 

Eli knew he was in a bad place if he was more than happy to accept the personal jabs if it meant the woman would only bring him back to Thrawn and Yularen. 

“But you haven’t heard him speak yet,” the woman argued. 

The man had turned back to his own conversation group, but at the woman’s persistence, glared over at Eli. 

Eli wilted even more, figured that introducing himself might come off as though he actually _wanted_ to stay and talk, and merely mumbled, “I apologize, sir, I –”

“I stand corrected, dear,” the man said to his wife, as if Eli couldn’t understand him. “Uninteresting _and_ unimportant.” 

“Aren’t you curious as to why he’s here?” the woman asked. 

“I’ll take a crack at it. A Wild Space yokel –making a fool of himself at the bar?” 

“No…” the woman answered. “He works as an officer’s aide- _for an alien._ ”

The general was finally interested. 

“You see, it’s over there,” the woman said, gesturing to where Thrawn stood, half-way across the room. “Monstrous thing. It’s absolutely barbaric. Colonel Yularen is showcasing it around as some kind of experiment the Navy is doing. No.... no it's not a joke. I can only imagine what those glowing eyes are capable of.” 

Eli literally bit his lip to keep himself from saying anything. A gesture the general picked up on. 

“You poor boy,” the man said, still condescending but somehow also sincere. “We’ll make this right, don’t-”

“Don’t waste the effort,” the woman said, laughing even more. “He doesn’t think it’s bad, working for an alien. He even called it one of the best officers in the Navy.” 

Eli wished he’d done more to try to get away from her. 

“Don’t you have any respect for yourself?” the general started, his voice low, and angry. “Look at me.” 

Eli had hoped he could skate through whatever this man was going to say by just zoning out, and it was with considerable effort that he focused his gaze on the general. Just as he feared – the man could see the fear in his eyes. 

It wasn’t just getting an earful about human superiority. Eli had heard his share of rants that this man wouldn’t be able to say anything he hadn’t heard before. But compounded off the anxiety? Even the tone of the general’s voice was making him panic. 

If it hadn’t been bad before, it was getting worse – Eli could feel his eyes tingling… burning almost. His vision was getting blurry, and inside his head, Eli was screaming at himself to stop. His eyes were starting to water. 

_Why are you like this?_

For the next few minutes, Eli just stared blankly as he got an earful of how he was what was wrong in the galaxy, and how he would be the sole person responsible for destroying the reputation of the Imperial Naval fleet, and after hearing some backstory about the tibanna gas incident, how “the alien” would be responsible for destroying the fleet itself. 

Pretty standard xenophobic nonsense. But by the end of the man’s rant, Eli was on the verge of hyperventilating. Fighting his body the whole time, resisting the urge to blink lest the General think he had been driven to tears. 

It didn’t help that the general grew louder and louder the longer Eli went without reacting – little did the man know that Eli would do everything in his power to not react at all and just endure the onslaught until it was over. It didn’t help that as the general got louder, more and more people turned in their direction. And all those eyes…. Eli tried not to think about them, but it got under his skin, burned into his consciousness. And it was a tangible pain, as though their attention was fire. The urge to physically run away was getting harder to ignore. 

His shoulders were hunched up, tensed, as though he were protecting himself from a physical attack. And all the while, his heart hammering in his chest harder and harder, faster and faster. Even breathing hurt, as though his ribs were all broken, and even the shortest breath responded with a sharp spike of chest pain. It took everything Eli had to remain composed. 

And somewhere in the back of Eli’s head, he knew the man was only getting angrier at what he saw as weakness. The general would have respected him more if he’d shouted back, gotten in the man’s face. Passing off anxiety as stoic military bearing was not working. 

“Ah, there you are, Ensign Vanto,” Eli heard Thrawn’s calm voice interrupting, as though he hadn’t heard the general’s remarks at all. “I have need of your assistance, there’s a technical term Senator Mintian uses that I am unfamiliar with.” 

Just like that, it was over. 

The general started a remark about Thrawn needing a translator, but Yularen had stepped in, redirecting the other man’s attention. Eli let himself get steered away, the woman having let go of her grip on his arm the moment Thrawn appeared. 

“ _Are you alright?_ ”

It took longer than Eli would have liked to admit to realize Thrawn had asked him something in Sy Bisti. But before he could answer, they were in the middle of another conversation. 

“So are you the translator?” another voice, much too jolly for Eli to handle, bombarded its way into his consciousness. “Our conversation has unfortunately stalled due to some issues with translation, could you tell Senior Lieutenant Thrawn I was asking about the null quantum field generator and… are you alright?” 

Eli knew he probably looked like he was going to be sick. His teeth were still clenched together, he was on the verge of hyperventilating, his face felt like it was on fire, and his body was trembling in the adrenaline dump after dealing with the general. 

Getting asked if he was okay was merely salt in the wound. It was obvious... he'd failed to keep it hidden. And in some awful, cruel way, getting asked if he was okay was some kind of trigger in his mind that he could lower his defenses.

He lifted a shaking hand to his face to try and hide the first tear that escaped, but he couldn't regain control. He'd been fighting himself for hours at that point and he didn't have the strength left.

Without another word, Eli spun around and walked in the opposite direction. 

He picked up his pace, weaving through the people as best as he could, ignoring the eyes that seemed to be following him across the room, blocking out everything except the way to the exit. He had to get out of there… before the worse happened. 

Because the worse was creeping up on him. 

Eli got outside, the blast of fresh air stealing his breath away. He forged ahead, ignoring everything. The hotel was across the square. He could see it… he just had to get there. 

Unfortunately outside in the square was worse than inside. Inside the people had been annoying but fairly well restrained. Outside, the public was too exuberant. Eli did his best to ignore them, but they were louder, screaming. Eli was cringing at their shouts, ducking his head down as he hurried forward. 

He reached up to wipe at his face – of course his brain realized he was marginally safe and gave up on keeping his tears back. _Weak,_ Eli scolded himself, _pathetic and weak._ It was the only explanation. Everyone else at that party was having a good time… no one else was bothered. No one else freaked out, had to rush out of a room...

Without warning, Eli crumpled down to the ground, his chest heaving in short, rapid bursts, his heart slamming so hard all he could hear was the thudding of his pulse in his ears. 

_Not here not here not here._

Eli forced himself to his feet, panting noticeably, looking around to locate his hotel as he’d gotten completely turned around. He had to wait… he couldn’t lose control out here. In the open. 

He couldn’t run, but he staggered his way to the hotel nearly as fast. It wasn’t until he was back indoors, in the quiet again, that he noticed his commlink chirping. 

Eli turned it off. 

The ride in the lift took far too long, his mind begging him to take advantage of the isolation, and Eli having to battle back. _Just a little bit longer._

It took three tries with his room key to get the door to properly open – though his hand was shaking so bad it wasn’t too weird that he couldn’t do it right the first two times. 

And then, the door closed behind him, and he was alone. 

But it didn’t come right away, not like Eli thought it would. 

He stepped into the room, throwing his commlink as hard as he could into the wall. His hat was his next victim, and he swung it angrily against the wall a few times before throwing it across the room. And then it hit. 

He managed to make it to the bed before he was completely incapacitated, drawing the blanket around him, trying to manufacture a sense of security. It was useless. The first surge hit with such ferocity that Eli cried out, then gritted his teeth as he rode the wave. He was hyperventilating in earnest now, his heart rate in an absolute panic. And everything hurt – his whole body tensed up, he curled up in a ball, his hands gripping his hair and pulling. A minute dragged on, then a second. And then, just as suddenly as it had arrived, it was gone. 

Eli panted, lifted his head, tried to regain some semblance of control before the next wave came. Because he knew it was coming. And it was probably going to be worse. 

“Ensign Vanto?” 

Oh, it was going to be much worse. 

“Thrawn, please, leave me alone,” Eli moaned from under the blanket, feeling a wave of absolute shame crashing over him. He already was chiding himself for being pathetic, and weak, and falling apart from the simplest things… the last thing he needed was an audience. 

Thrawn, of course, was too stubborn or too tactless to listen. 

“You left the party abruptly,” Thrawn continued. 

“LEAVE,” Eli put more urgency in his voice, but it was too late. 

He clenched his teeth firmly together as he felt his heart rate kick back into panic mode. He couldn’t cry out this time – not with Thrawn there - and fighting to contain his embarrassment was making everything that much more painful. He couldn’t control his breathing, he couldn’t control his body. The panic immobilized him completely. 

“Eli!?” 

Eli could feel hands on him, trying to dig him out from his blanket cocoon. Eli hung on for dear life, terrified of being seen, of having his shame laid bare. He couldn’t let Thrawn see him like this… reduced so pathetically by everyday things. 

And then it was over, the pain in his chest vanishing without a lingering trace. He could feel his whole body rocking with his breaths as he panted deeply, struggling to regain his breath. He was drenched in sweat now, trembling as though he'd run a marathon. 

“Eli, what’s wrong?” The tone on Thrawn's voice wasn't just worried- _it was horrified._

_Hide._

It was an immature thought, childish even, to want to run away and hide. But it was an absolutely consuming idea. The refresher – if Eli could get in there, he could lock the door, and he’d be safe. And alone. And he could let this thing run its course. 

But as hard as he struggled against Thrawn, the Chiss was far stronger than he was. In the end, he had no choice but to give up. 

“I’msorry,Imsorry,imsorryimsorryimsorry,” Eli mumbled over and over again as he felt the next surge approaching, switching it up to, “imsorryimlikethis” when he decided simply apologizing wasn’t good enough. 

He figured Thrawn would recoil, or be disgusted, or disappointed. But the next surge came and Thrawn just tightened his hold, occasionally petting his hair… patiently enduring Eli's struggles as a minute passed with whispered words of encouragement, until it was over. 

Eli buried his face into Thrawn’s chest, curled up in a ball on the other’s lap, trembling and shakily wiping his face again. 

“ImsorryimlikethisImsorryimlikethis,” Eli mumbled again, but Thrawn would accept no apology, only reassuring him that he was okay. 

Thrawn didn't move, didn't press him, didn't even ask a question until the thing had passed completely. 

“I think it’s over,” Eli said weakly, wondering how much time had gone by, too burnt out to do much of anything else. 

“I do not intend to leave,” Thrawn answered. “You’re not well.” 

“I know,” Eli said. 

“I didn’t mean it that way.” 

“Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I’m sorry you had to leave the party-”

“The party will survive my absence,” Thrawn said. “The only thing which concerns me now is your welfare.” 

“I’m okay.” 

“Was it the general?” 

Eli didn’t answer right away, feeling another flush of embarrassment warm his cheeks. He had no idea how much of his discomfort Thrawn had been able to pick up on, let alone interpret. 

“He was part of it,” Eli admitted quietly. 

“What else.” 

“Everything… the crowds. The conversations…” Eli winced, feeling more and more embarrassment. “Talking to everyone. It was too much.” 

He cringed, waiting for the reaction. 

Because Thrawn would surely be disgusted. Eli was disgusted at himself, how much more would the Chiss be? To see him be so easily defeated by… what? The presence of too many people? Too much noise? 

Eli knew what Thrawn would think - How ineffective would Eli be in combat if these were the things that were getting to him? How poorly was he going to perform as an officer? 

“It’s never been this bad,” Eli added quickly, apologetically. 

"You've gone through this before?" 

Eli nodded.

“And you were alone?” Thrawn asked. 

"It's better," Eli said. "No one gets to see how weak I am." 

"No one can help, either." 

“I better get to sleep,” Eli murmured, shakily pushing himself away from Thrawn and deeper under the bedcovers. “The way Colonel Yularen wants it, we’ll be doing this all week. I've got to get my strength back.” 

“You won't go. I am not in need of your-”

“That’s not how it works. I’m your aide. I _have_ to go.” 

“Then I'll tell Yularen I am not feeling well.” 

“And make Colonel Yularen look like a fool. He's introducing you to people who can protect you. You can't stab him in the back now.” 

“So you're trying to tell me that we're trapped?” 

“I’m trying to tell you to stop worrying about me. You can’t. You've got more important things to worry about." 

"You are important to me, Eli." 

"Yeah, well, at this moment I could do fine with being less important.” 

Thrawn was silent a long moment, long enough that Eli assumed the conversation was over. 

“Am I making your life unbearable?” 

Eli didn’t react. At least not outwardly. And truthfully, he could care less if Thrawn was starting to realize how much trouble he managed to cause in the lives of the people associated with him. 

He thought about the quiet life he’d wanted – to sit in an office somewhere, pouring over supply charts and lists of equipment. It was where he was meant to be. His own mind knew he wasn’t meant for this. He’d tried to do what was best for him, until Thrawn hijacked his life. 

And wasn’t that the problem?

“No,” Eli said, at last turning to face Thrawn. “You aren't unbearable... it's the situations that are. You didn't have to check up on me, but you did. And you certainly didn't have to stay. I don’t think anyone else would have. And," Eli winced. "The party… well. I’ll have to figure out how to get over it. Because you're going to need people to like you if they're going to stick their necks out to save you from yourself.” 

“You won’t have to ‘get over’ this problem alone,” Thrawn added. 

Eli smiled weakly. “The problem indeed.” Though Thrawn probably had not the slightest clue what he was talking about.


End file.
